The Truth....

Okay.... this is not the first time I've been blogging. In fact, I just haven't been on my old blog for what feels like almost forever that I lost my id & password.. ^.^" And... honestly I don't really need to blog often unless it's really worth it or there's something I REALLY need to express/let go of or I'm just bored with nothing better to do which I usually am not, because I'm preoccupied most of the time. I feel like all this hiding and dishonesty from within is slowly creeping up on me and somehow... yeah... warping my mental development in a weird way, so I choose to let it go.

So here it is......

Before trying to be honest to anyone else, I have to be honest with myself first. See I HAVEN'T been COMPLETELY honest lately especially to myself and particularly about a certain someone else. It won't be easy, but I'll at least try.

(deep breath) ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Lately, I've been feeling this strange unhappiness inside me, like a troubled feeling, a wall that separates me from genuine elation. Even when I've achieved something worth celebrating or when I usually used to jump up and down. And when I sleep I can't sleep without thinking about you. I don't think I'm going nuts or anything, it's just that maybe I can't bare with the fact that this is reality, or that in this world, unlike all the movies and stories, people just aren't... that... happy anymore... Sometimes I can even sense some people around me having to force laughter and fake smiles to live their everyday lives as "who they are", and when they seem genuine, sometimes, I think they're acting. Sometimes I also get carried away by this... honestly, I myself am not that free from pretense either. Why? Is it true? What a friend of mine once told me that we kind of depend on you for laughter. I had to show exasperation at the very thought of it, but deep down inside, my heart agrees to the bitter-sweet truth. And is it true that she really knows these things? Maybe... who knows? She seems to be quite accurate most of the time. Besides, something is better than nothing. Is it guilt? Guilt that I can't admit my wrongs or is it pride? Or just plain dishonesty? Until this very day I just can't grip onto that very fabric of reality ........ (sigh).... like the first time... when those words came out of his mouth and i felt like i had gastric... and now its you. You broke her heart once and now... what now??!? You should know from experience that I'm DIFFERENT from her. But do you even see me? Or is it ALL MY FAULT? I see you, in fact you're almost the only thing I see nowadays but I prefer to act as though you're not there... why? Maybe it's because I'm insecure? Lost? Confused? Paranoid? Worried? Or is it the pride that keeps me from humbling myself down to admitting the truth that I DO acknowledge your existence and have these feelings that I try my best to hide. I can't even look you in the eye when we speak. Do you even notice that? Can you silently see right through me? All the time I wonder if you feel the same way I feel about you. These mixed, confused feelings. I'd do anything to know the truth. But how can I expect the truth without being completely truthful myself? You came up to me that day and I may have seemed totally serene on the outside but inside my heart, a war is going on. I just simply can't decide whether to despise you or submit to the opposite. My heart was racing and I silently panicked. In the end I didn't know what to do but to just force myself to believe that you are not there, just a figment of my imagination coming to haunt my subconscious. Some can sense that I may get carried away sometimes in my daily routine of 'hating you'. I wonder if I ever hurt your feelings like you did mine long time ago. My sarcastic words sometimes backfire at me and pierce my own heart. I don't know, but the bottom line is, forcing myself to be mean to you (even in a minor way) only hurts myself. How I hate myself sometimes for being so timid and cowardly. Why can't I just go up to you and say "Hi!" without having to recover from a mental breakdown first. The weirdest part is that in order to avoid a mental breakdown or the ambush of nearby eaves-droppers, I even RENAMED you... I wonder if you've figured that out... You seem so "innocently" curious it intrigues me ^_^" HAHA!! 


Oh well, anyways, I'm hope I can understand this sooner or later. But for now, a delicious KFC takeaway package is awaiting me and so is my family XDD hmmm......... I wonder if YOU've had dinner yet... at least one thing's for sure:~ THAT I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER after posting this.  


That's all for now. Bye bye! :P