Shouldn't be here right now..... >.< hehehe xP

I'm actually supposed to be doing my Geography project now so I won't have enough time to blog about everything on my mind this time ^_^ Last week was the most exciting week of school I've had so far this year, which include the following:~
- inter-school contest
- Geo project trip
- School talent time
- History field trip

Although I might have felt near to half-dead after all that, it was all worth it. (Surely better than sitting in class listening to the usual daily blah~ no offense :P) Sad though I couldn't do the Geo project thingy because of my Mom's busy schedule and my poor time keeping skills.... really sorry guys ~ but it shouldn't affect my project progress that much. Anyways......... dammit. It's May ALREADY???! That means I'll be facing my 3rd or is it 4th external piano exam in about a weeks time :O

That I think is all FOR NOW I need to get to work....... urgh! You.... YOu.... YOU!!!!! !@#$%#

(sorry mental breakdown there ^.^")

yeahh~ it suits you darling xD....... BUT!! it's getting out of hand :\

I really don't know what to say this time.... unlike my usual self, I'm actually lost for words to say right now. You know me... =P Okay, first of all Adam Lambert's new song is damn addictive! xD Although it reminds me of you every time I listen to it -.- and if you haven't noticed, my friends, the follow button is now available on your bottom right. Sorry it took so long guys~ as you know meh~~ I have a whole lot of other stuff to do and I wasn't even aware that you have to add it yourself  ^_^||

Anyways, "things" have been getting out of hand lately... and YES if you DO get what I mean, I mean operation "Dipp-a-dee-doo" operation "Yabadabadoo" and operation "Scooby Doo" I don't even want to mention the one that starts with "K" >.> I'm sure you just try to analyze me whenever I mention "H!!!!" or any other sarcastic phrases I use to block my thoughts and genuine feelings towards you. I feel awful whenever I say something spiteful towards you just to keep my feelings oblivious. In fact, I think my theory has an opposite effect now. Am I making it EVEN MORE OBVIOUS than it already is? And what about you? You just sit there minding your own business as though nothing's going on. And when you DO take notice, I let my instincts shoo you away like you're a stray begging for leftovers. Yes, I'm cruel. You have known that, haven't you? I'm starting to sense that you feel the same about me too. I've somehow mastered the art of eaves-dropping HAHA! I know I know call me a hypocrite. But I just can't stand the thought of people gossiping behind my back... =.= urgh!  Why do you think me and my "so-called trustee partner" came up with these "operations" in the first place? For the life of an adolescence, the mental torture ofthe possibility of your crush not liking you back can be easily underestimated by PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND EHHEM... and also I've learned how to make wiser choices by trying my best to avoid mistakes made by people in the past. But HONESTLY DARLING, it's kinda obvious that you 'like' me back too. The problem now is just Who Will Act First?? I think this is a matter of either pride, self-esteem or just plain fear. Or all three. Maybe my Dad's right. Maybe all I need is a brand new attitude. I'm working on that, don't worry. I think both of us are debating with ourselves whether a 'relationship' this year especially would be a hindrance for success in our individual goals (which I think are more or less similar :3) if either one of us DOES gather up the courage to confess. But for now, anything could happen. Just hope the difficulties faced in our 'operations' would soon be over-comed. :)

The damn playlist on my blog has stopped working AGAIN!@.@ Urrrgh! Stupid..... anyway, hope you guys understand all this and of course, hope I can get a new functioning web-link to a playlist >.>

All for now ;)

Pizza & Tea =)

Just ate a slice of pizza that my Mom bought me and now I'm waiting for the water to boil for me to make tea ;D My Mom just left the house, again, with her partner and I wonder what I'm gonna eat for dinner tonight. Most of my friends like to post pics on their blogs. Like LOTS of pics and minimal words. For me, I think, yeah, it makes it look more colorful and all that, but it's just that I find it hard to find good pics that are large enough to post on my blog... Guess I just don't do this usually that's all :/

you...You... YOU!!!!!!

Just came home from lunch after church. My Mom seems determined to think I'm a slow learner at cooking and other essential household chores (well actually I am, kinda ^^||) But I prove her wrong! MUAHAHAHAHA! =.=|| Yeah yeah... I may have made a mess of a couple of things like, hmm... slicing the carrots and onions for the lasagna, filtering the rice, sweeping the floor, ironing the clothes, washing the dishes........ okay OKAY! I admit it! I am pretty bad at this but oh well, I am just a beginner~

Anyway,........ thank goodness you weren't there to see me as I looked awful in that (WHAT WAS I THINKING???!) outfit ^_^" it would've been better if I had prepared earlier but I didn't but it doesn't really matter now, does it? I wore that same dress before and it was alright. But at least my hair looks better than usual today for some reason. Sometimes I war with myself in my head:-

Me(1): Ahhhh....... oh no! Almost time again! I'm gonna be late and I look AWFUL!! What if 'he' sees me??!
Me(2):Urgh! I don't give a #@$%! I don't just dress to impress 'him' :P
Me(1): But I'll make a BAD impression! :O
Me(2): Oh whatever! That arse can think whatever he wants what rite has he to be Joan Rivers? And besides, I'm not a celebrity and this isn't the Grammy's so..... yeah~~
Me(1): Yeah, true, but this is "him" we're talking about not just anyone darling...
Me(2): Oh shut up! You're so immature and naive!
Me(1): Me??! I'm not the negative one here >>
Me(2): Aaaaaaaargh! Fine Fine Fine....

End result: -.-...... wth...... where's "H" now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Mom's out for a while to discuss an important issue with her project partner. Go Mom! xDD I've never seen her work this hard before ever since the past few months and this building project came along. Normally she barely uses her computer let alone go online but nowadays, well, she's been typing out minutes for meetings and banking in account numbers like a non-stop working machine. I should be helping but everytime I pick up a household chore I just end up getting her "Medusa" So better just stay at home and look after Grandma and blog at the simultaneously~ Had the choice between Samsung Galaxy Tab or my com. Choice: (obviously) my com :D

Saw so many familiar faces in church today ;3 There was my Aunt Kathrine (& family plus Zachery and Natasha my nephew and niece who never fail to make me feel old >.<) My Aunt Helen from Sarawak (she says Baby Zoe is sick aww....... get well soon Zoe :)) my classmate annoying tay O.o and some equally annoying senior from the interact club :/

Yaaaay!! Finally got the playlist onto my blog!! x3 Hmm... for some reason the blog title says I posted this on 14th April Saturday, but actually, it's Sunday the 15th today O.O" oh well....

So I'm stuck at home now with my sleeping grandma on a sunny Sunday afternoon..... yay.... Haha!! That's all for now I guess... ^.~

a little closer i guess??

I did it! Talked to 'him' with eye contact successfully... well not thoroughly though. I would still have to look away for a few seconds during the conversation to avoid my inevitable habit of giggling to myself like a mad woman ^_^"

Guess 'he' is not THAT BAD or THAT SCARY after all....... as usual, it's all in my head. Seriously need to get that playlist onto my blog. URGH!!! STUPID PLAYLIST! LET ME SIGN IN! Anyways, today's Friday the 13th. But I don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo people say so I guess it won't affect me. Still feel an inch of regret for ignoring 'him' that day but well, at least I did't screw up this time. Taylor Swift's new song 'Eyes Open' is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! xD So check it out. It's this one here to your left btw >>>

And, I'm also thinking of changing the design of my blog. My mid-year exam is coming and........ urgh......... why why why did I have to remind myself??! So nowadays, like I said in my previous post, I'll try my best to be honest. Not just to myself but to everyone else too. Although, 'he' would have to wait. ;3 A friend of mine thinks I should go for it, but I personally think that 'HE' should act first! xP HAHA! I know I know... I'm stubborn right? :P I don't know why but nowadays my eyes keep twitching... my Mom tells me it's a sign that something bad or totally unexpected is about to happen through experience. But, I don't believe that. To me, it's either I'm not getting enough sleep, or I'm just too stressed out about 'him' >.>

Think I'm gonna see 'him' this weekend again... All thanks to my Dad and his pre-timed arrival at the airport causing my Mom to have to re-shuffle her time schedule to pick him up  =.= But it's, well, I don't know. Sometime I even HOPE to see 'him'........ I know I know I sound obsessed, but TRUST ME I've everything under control. I think that's all for now,yeah ^.~  

The Truth....

Okay.... this is not the first time I've been blogging. In fact, I just haven't been on my old blog for what feels like almost forever that I lost my id & password.. ^.^" And... honestly I don't really need to blog often unless it's really worth it or there's something I REALLY need to express/let go of or I'm just bored with nothing better to do which I usually am not, because I'm preoccupied most of the time. I feel like all this hiding and dishonesty from within is slowly creeping up on me and somehow... yeah... warping my mental development in a weird way, so I choose to let it go.

So here it is......

Before trying to be honest to anyone else, I have to be honest with myself first. See I HAVEN'T been COMPLETELY honest lately especially to myself and particularly about a certain someone else. It won't be easy, but I'll at least try.

(deep breath) ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Lately, I've been feeling this strange unhappiness inside me, like a troubled feeling, a wall that separates me from genuine elation. Even when I've achieved something worth celebrating or when I usually used to jump up and down. And when I sleep I can't sleep without thinking about you. I don't think I'm going nuts or anything, it's just that maybe I can't bare with the fact that this is reality, or that in this world, unlike all the movies and stories, people just aren't... that... happy anymore... Sometimes I can even sense some people around me having to force laughter and fake smiles to live their everyday lives as "who they are", and when they seem genuine, sometimes, I think they're acting. Sometimes I also get carried away by this... honestly, I myself am not that free from pretense either. Why? Is it true? What a friend of mine once told me that we kind of depend on you for laughter. I had to show exasperation at the very thought of it, but deep down inside, my heart agrees to the bitter-sweet truth. And is it true that she really knows these things? Maybe... who knows? She seems to be quite accurate most of the time. Besides, something is better than nothing. Is it guilt? Guilt that I can't admit my wrongs or is it pride? Or just plain dishonesty? Until this very day I just can't grip onto that very fabric of reality ........ (sigh).... like the first time... when those words came out of his mouth and i felt like i had gastric... and now its you. You broke her heart once and now... what now??!? You should know from experience that I'm DIFFERENT from her. But do you even see me? Or is it ALL MY FAULT? I see you, in fact you're almost the only thing I see nowadays but I prefer to act as though you're not there... why? Maybe it's because I'm insecure? Lost? Confused? Paranoid? Worried? Or is it the pride that keeps me from humbling myself down to admitting the truth that I DO acknowledge your existence and have these feelings that I try my best to hide. I can't even look you in the eye when we speak. Do you even notice that? Can you silently see right through me? All the time I wonder if you feel the same way I feel about you. These mixed, confused feelings. I'd do anything to know the truth. But how can I expect the truth without being completely truthful myself? You came up to me that day and I may have seemed totally serene on the outside but inside my heart, a war is going on. I just simply can't decide whether to despise you or submit to the opposite. My heart was racing and I silently panicked. In the end I didn't know what to do but to just force myself to believe that you are not there, just a figment of my imagination coming to haunt my subconscious. Some can sense that I may get carried away sometimes in my daily routine of 'hating you'. I wonder if I ever hurt your feelings like you did mine long time ago. My sarcastic words sometimes backfire at me and pierce my own heart. I don't know, but the bottom line is, forcing myself to be mean to you (even in a minor way) only hurts myself. How I hate myself sometimes for being so timid and cowardly. Why can't I just go up to you and say "Hi!" without having to recover from a mental breakdown first. The weirdest part is that in order to avoid a mental breakdown or the ambush of nearby eaves-droppers, I even RENAMED you... I wonder if you've figured that out... You seem so "innocently" curious it intrigues me ^_^" HAHA!! 


Oh well, anyways, I'm hope I can understand this sooner or later. But for now, a delicious KFC takeaway package is awaiting me and so is my family XDD hmmm......... I wonder if YOU've had dinner yet... at least one thing's for sure:~ THAT I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER after posting this.  


That's all for now. Bye bye! :P