Bitter-sweet holidays~ (sigh)

Hmm..... a week without you hasn't exactly been heaven or hell. And I thought it would be either one of the two. (sigh) Guess my estimation has gone from bad to worse, or has it changed at all? =_= But I do admit one thing, that I'd rather see your face and get my heart melted straight to the ground than sleep till' noon due to endless hours of playing The Sims at graveyard times >.<  Surprisingly I don't miss you as much as I thought I would. And honestly, you haven't exactly been haunting me as much as before, like what you usually cause me. Guess what mainly keeps you in my mind has always been what  I'm trying to avoid, what I've been running from, what I am too afraid to attempt. Seeing you.  Looking .Yes, it has become so destinctive that  even you can't miss it. Yes, I am afraid. Like even when I see you online a fear swells up inside me, engulfing what I truly feel.  Some say fear is good, it gives us caution. But in my case, I would rather throw caution to the wind, with less pondering about hte consequences that follow, genuinely, fearless............ if only I could. I listen to Taylor Swift so often and I wonder, how does she do it? Write songs about her past loves, even incuding their names. I can totally relate to her most of the time but yet, I can't even say your name.  She sings out her true stories in her songs although it hurts, but I prefer to run from mine, concealing them from myself. I prefer to pretend that it's not real at all, that it never happened, that you were never there. She could boldly admit that she's not over someone while I would pretend I never knew him instead.

Right now I may feel that my feelings are weakening as I type, but they'll swoop back up as soon as I see your face just as the tide rises and resides. I may act as if I don't, but deep down inside I do care. Possibly more than most other matters right now. And as it is I'm trying to gather solid evidence. Do you notice that? Are you aware of my intensions? Are you doing the same?! O.o okay, okay, maybe that's a bit too paranoid, or is it?? >.>

I had a significant "slip of a tongue" that day. And I'm pretty sure you noticed. Instinctively I was like "Oh Shit!" But now, when I think back, I don't have an inch of remorse. Like it was never a mistake in the first place. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe fighting it just makes it more distinct. But sometimes I can't help fighting you! xP And (even wierder), sometimes I can't help but wnt the opposite >.<  It's almost like second nature, sadly. I'm not saying that I enjoy it, I do have my regretsat times, it's just that it has inched it's way to becoming part of me now.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! @~@ Alright!! I've got to fix this!! I know this probably sounds really bad, as in really f'ed up, but if you've read my previous post (and all my other posts before), I don't think this as vague. Anyways, I bet once I get back to school nothing (inclusive of this here post) would change much. Although you would creep your way back to me like you always do and the results may vary.

P.S. I know this post may be somewhat in contrast with my previous post, but.... yeah that's how it is when I have large gaps in posting and long school holidays. x3 Sorry for making you guys wait btw~ as usual I wasn't all that free :P